Um.

12/23/2025

I've been thinking about my past self more and more as I get older and feel a growing, looming sense of shame and disgust towards how I saw myself. I don't know why I put myself in the boxes I did. My self hatred is more than just what I'm about to write about, obviously, I just want to speak on this while it's in my mind.
Why this might sound silly at surface level I really cannot understand why I associated myself with characters aligned with bad morals for I'm not and have never been like that. I want to say I can't properly remember when this started but it was probably around the time I started getting into the whole kin community, and the far worse extention of the irl community. I may not be a religious man but I pray for kids who fall into that community specifically. I won't name characters I saw myself in but I just... feel ashamed. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. This doesn't even stretch back too long ago...
I'd say my horrible view of myself started to lessen as I got closer to my current friends. I feel like for once in all years I've been alive I am friends with people who see me and not another person or a character. I was too deep into the irl community unfortunately, no one ever knew who I was beyond surface level. I can't properly explain what this truly means without feeling some sort of disgust or embarassment.
I don't know this is kind of rambly. I just wish I saw myself in a better light I feel like I cannot live down what I've done in my life. Even if this is small it's one piece to a bigger puzzle of shame and regret, sometimes I don't really think I deserve the friends I have for what do I offer. I am just embarassed and I think I hate myself.

Maybe it's a good thing I don't like myself up to even September. Maybe I am just changing fast and growing as a person faster then others. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel better. Whatever the case may be I think I will try to assume this is a good thing since this thought will never go away.